Ms. Sassy,
So there is this girl, she's a really good friend of mine. I've always wanted to do stuff with her but every time I bring it up she gets mad. One day I put my hand up her shorts and she didn't stop me until I actually touched her. What should I do?
-Turned On

Turned On,
What should you do? Be happy that she didn't slap the snot out of you and then press charges for sexual assault. Unwarranted touching of a woman, or man, is a quick way to get your butt thrown in jail. Get a clue and keep your hands to yourself.

Hey all you Sassy Girls and Sassy Guys! Sorry for the down time. You all know how the holidays can be. You can guess that such a Sassy Woman has a pretty Sassy family and they have started descending to celebrate Thanksgiving. But don't worry, I'll be back and just as sassy come December 1st. In the meantime, thanks for all the emails seeking my wisdom. I'll have advice for all of you next week. And definitely keep your eyes peeled for the Sassy Sex giveaways. If you loved the idea of giving your vagina a sassy makeover, then you'll love the Betty Beauty giveaway I'm doing. Have a great Thanksgiving. Love, Ms. Sassy

Ms. Sassy,
My girlfriend smart and talented, she's one of those people who's good at everything she does but she can't cook. Try as she might, everything she cooks ends up in my napkin instead of in my stomach. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't know what else to do. I just can't take her nasty cooking anymore!
-Bad Cook

Bad Cook,
This is a very delicate situation. If you tell her her food sucks she may very well try to poison in an effort to seek retribution for you bruising her ego. Your best bet is to surprise her with cooking classes. Just go with me on this one. Tell her that you heard about this couples cooking class and you want the two of you to go because you want to learn to cook and having her with you at the lesson will make it more fun and you think it'll be a great way for you two to spend time together. You'll be able to cook together and help her out when she's making the meals so you won't feel like such a bum. She'll be overjoyed that you were purely thinking of her in an effort to better yourself. And she'll have a few dishes under her belt that don't make you vomit, or you can opt to cook for her. Either way it gives you way more options for actually eating edible food.
Am I a genius or what?
-Ms. Sassy

Ms. Sassy,
Ok, so I’ve been in love with this girl for a while. She has made it pretty clear that she would rather throw up on her own face and run off a cliff than see me again. I’ve tried sleeping with other women and all that but for some reason whenever I see her, and it happens rarely now but even so I get a kick in my guts. How do guys get members of the opposite sex out of their heads when keeping them there is completely ridiculous and unhealthy?
-Do I Need A Lobotomy

-Do I Need A Lobotomy,
I really do feel for you. I think we've all been victims of unrequited love at one time or another. Honestly, there's no easy way to get this woman out of your head. You have two options. Option one is to pursue her until you finally break her will. Swallow your pride and get ready to have your heart stomped on if you choose this option. But it could work, sometimes it takes people a little while to recognize what's right in front of their face. Be your charming funny fantabulous self and after awhile she'll realize that she's developed a little crush on you. Option number two...fake it till you make it. I know it sounds cliché but people say it for a reason. It really does work. Just tell yourself how great you are and that it's her lose if she can't see it. Then go out and do all the things you love to do. Keep yourself occupied. It'll happen in no time that one day you'll wake up and realize that you're totally over her, and you will have kept your frontal lobe.

Ms. Sassy,
My GF is great. This is probably the best relationship I've ever had. She's sexy and sweet and funny and the sex is amazing. The only problem is that sometimes when we're having sex she suddenly gets really dry. I mean everything always starts out good. She gets really wet and then she's drier than the Sahara. WTH? It doesn't happen often but it's probably happened about 4 times over the past two years. Am I doing something wrong? Why can't she stay wet?
-Chaffed Penis

Chaffed Penis,
Uh...have you ever heard of lube? It is stuff specially formulated to keeps things nice and moist down there so you can have as much sex as you want and you can remain chaff free. As for what you're doing wrong, well...IDK, probably nothing. This is like the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction. No matter how aroused you are sometimes your head is just somewhere else, which is probably the case with your GF. Then again, it could just be that sometimes you need to spend a little more time in the foreplay stage. Just know that you're totally overreacting. Like I said, it's all about the lube in those instances. So, keep a tube in the nightstand. There, problem solved. Now go forth and fornicate!

Ms. Sassy,
My GF is a guys girl. I don't think she's ever met a guy who didn't like her, and I don't mean that as an insult. She's witty, non-judgmental, sexy, and a bit of the girl next door all rolled into one. My friends love for me to bring her along when we go out because she's like their wing woman. That being said, she has a lot of hangers on. I don't think she has a single ex who she's not still friends with. She says she just never had a bad breakup before. Most of these guys just drop her lines via Myspace. However, she has one ex who calls her all the time still and even makes special trips to town trying to see her. The first time he come out they met up for drinks to catch up, which she told me about. He's been back since then and each time he tries to get together with her but she blows him off. I'm not really the jealous type but this whole situation is starting to get to me. I know she doesn't want to be with him, but he just won't seem to go away.
-Is She Leading Him On

Is She Leading Him On,
I know the type of girl you mean. Some people describe me as that type of girl, a guys girl. Put me in a crowd full of men and I can totally hold my own but surround me with girls and I don't quite know what to do with myself. It sounds like your GF is really trying to stay friends with her ex, much like she has with the other exes you mentioned. However, this guy is taking it to the next level and trying to rekindle the relationship. Sit your GF down and explain to her how guys think, and that it sounds like this particular guys is still holding a torch for her, so it's going to be impossible for her to continue to have a relationship, of any kind, with him. If she refuses to cut him off then you need to drop her. She can't compromise you alls relationship just for some ego stroking from some pathetic schmuck who doesn't know when to let go.

Ms. Sassy,
I finally said those three little words to my girlfriend, about three weeks ago to be exact. The problem is, she hasn't reciprocated. Not only did I say that I loved her but I told her that I've loved her since we were kids, I told her the exact time and place when I knew how I felt about her and that from the time I was 17 and she was 15 that I've felt this way about her and that feeling has never changed. Do you know how many girls would kill to hear their boyfriend make that type of declaration? What gives? Why won't she reciprocate? I mean contrary to popular belief, guys need to hear "I love you," too.
-Guys Need Love Too

Guys Need Love Too,
Oh you poor dumb sap. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "Guys don't have a frickin clue!" You're completely right, any woman in her right mind would love to hear her guy declare his love for her like that. But what you seem to be totally oblivious to is the fact that you're gettin' played. That's right. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean she's cheating on you but anytime one person says the "L" word and the other person stays mum, the person who has yet to utter the words takes the upper hand in the relationship. And why would any woman want the upper hand in the relationship? Because she wants something. Mark my words. You just signed a death warrant by telling her she has your heart the way she does. She's about to start making all kinds of demands on you and your relationship, so you better get ready to pay up. However, on the up side, it's very unlikely that she doesn't feel the same way. Just relax, she'll say it when she gets what she wants and the equilibrium will be restored.

Ms. Sassy,
I've been in a relationship with this girl for a few months. Things were good but I jumped the gun, and let her move in with me when her last living situation wasn't working out. All I can say is, "BAD idea." She clamors for my attention from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. The only relief I get is when I'm at work. I figured I could talk to her like a rational human being and let her know that I needed space. Somehow she misconstrued that to mean, "Cling to me for dear life." I'm at the end of my rope, I can't take her or this relationship anymore. If I thought blowing my brains out might help, I would try it but I'm not sure she wouldn't try to follow me to the afterlife. HELP!
-Need Some Space

Need Some Space,
I'm LMAO at your predicament. Oh you poor naive man, don't invite any girl to live with you unless you and that girl have exchanged vows. Now the only way to get rid of this girl, short of using a shotgun is by decimating her heart. And even that's not guaranteed to work. Seriously, what the hell were you thinking?! Obviously, you're a nice guy. You thought, "Hey, my GF is in a bind and I'm not an ass so I'll volunteer to help her out and let her stay with me for awhile." Your GF, however, was thinking, "OMG, I can't believe he asked me to move in, he must really love me. He's so great, there's no way in hell I'm going to let him getaway. He's definitely a keeper!" See how that works? Doing something nice for your girl gets you laid, doing something too nice gets you screwed, majorly. She has no intention of loosening her sleeper grip on you until you're rendered unconscious, so she can have an easier time dragging you down the aisle, because rally who wants to deal with all the kicking and screaming. Avoid this woman like the plague. When she calls don't answer and if you make the mistake of forgetting this cardinal rule, then keep the convo short. Let her know that you're about to head out to meet with friends. If she drops by unexpectedly, leave her standing outside knocking, even if she knows you're home. Make getting to you as difficult as possible and eventually she'll mosey on over to someone else.