Hey guys and dolls.
I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been. Well, I've been a busy little bee. I'm currently working on giving the site a much needed makeover, which should be ready for the big reveal mid-March. But don't worry, you can still catch me in all my sassy glory on Examiner.com

Kiss Kiss

I was surfing the net for fodder and stumbled across this jewel of an article. I just had to share it. Courtesy of DivineCaroline.com, check out what these kids have to say about love and marriage. Is it better to be single or married? I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child) How do you decide whom to marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kristen, age 10 CLICK HERE to read the rest of this article.

Whatever! Screw you Greg Behrendt, ya jerk. "He's Just Not That Into You"...I swear, that idiotic phrase is doing more harm than good. If love, people, or even our emotions were that black and white then maybe him/her "not being into you" would make sense, but that isn't the case. Life is not neat and tidy, nor is it clean cut or black and white.

On the other hand, that movie looks good, and I have every intention on going to see it. But why do we need some guy to decode men for us? Honestly, guys you're not that complicated. If a guy treats you like boo boo, then he's just not that into you. And if he doesn't then he's probably very much into you. There, mystery solved. I'll be waiting by the phone for my offer to sign a multi-million dollar book deal.

I was on my way to dinner with a friend a few weeks ago and drove past the Vivid building, in Studio City, and it got me to thinking. What is it about porn, that keeps us watching? Personally, I watch for tips and tricks, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Trust me, everyone can learn something from watching porn. Don't Forget to Breathe
This is imperative if you don't want fellatio to lead to you dying from asphyxiation. Watch a butt load of pornos that pan in tight during the oral sex scenes, take notes and recreate what you see. And since I take moaning as a sign of pleasure, I can only assume that the hours of defiling my vision with sights of Jenna J. performing oral sex has paid off.

Cue The Sound
Some accurately placed "Ooos" and "Aahhs" is all it takes to get a guys motor running, sometimes. Loud sex is so much hotter than "doing it" to the background noise of crickets or dogs barking down the street. If my guy is sending me on a mind blowing, toe curling rocket trip to the moon, then I want to let the whole world know it, especially him. Like the girls in the adult industry, good sex just can't be good sex without, "Oh my God...Yeah...Right there...Do me just like that..." You get the gist.

Look How They Bend
This is by far the most appealing reason behind sitting through 30 minutes of bad acting. You weather the crap to see the good stuff...the positions! I was actually watching a movie the other day and saw some interesting kind of lotus position I want to try. I even saw a movie where a girl did a hand-stand as her grand finale. While I haven't had that kind of flexibility since I quit gymnastics, all the bendy posses make you feel randy. Let them inspire you to try new things in the sack.

Girls Are Hot
I think sex with a man is the most wonderful mind blowing experience there is. But watching porn has definitely opened my mind to the appeal of girl on girl action. I know, I know, entertaining such thoughts are strictly against my religious upbringing. But girls are sexy, damn it. And the thought of kissing a pair of soft perfectly glossed lips makes things happen in my pants.

Always Be Prepared
Yes, watching porn has taught me the importance of sexy underwear. Always be prepared for sex. That includes everything from landscaping, to baby smooth skin, and having a sexy little something on underneath your clothes. You never know when you may need to pause in the middle of your day to make sweet sweet love to a random stranger.

I am one for brutal honesty. If I ask my BF "Do I look fat in this" it's because I really want to know if I should put on something more slimming. But every now and then we have to lie to the ones we love. Especially, when it comes to sparring your boyfriend's delicate feelings. Example. I absolutely hate the smell of the product my guy puts in his hair. But what am I going to do, tell him that the smell of his hair makes me want to vomit sometimes? No. Why hurt his feelings for no good reason? I know you're just dying to know what other little white lies your girlfriend is telling you? So, I figured I'd throw you a bone. Check out these 10 lies that your girlfriend's telling you.

Size Doesn't Matter
Only girls who date guys with small peens are forced to tell this lie. Fortunately, that's not me. My man is well hung and I am satisfied! But nothing can make a small penis shrink in size faster than hearing that dreaded sentence, and she is well aware of that. Hence the need to stretch the truth. Besides, if it bothered her that much then she wouldn't let your tiny man member near her va-jay-jay.

You're The Best
Are you starting to notice a trend? Most lies girls tell are linked to your man-meat. Because everyone knows that any good relationship is based on telling your guy how awesome he is in bed. She can't very well push you off of her and say "What the hell are you doing?" A girl with any kind of manners at all would never do such a thing. She knows that the best time to talk about your sexual prowess, or lack thereof, is not 5 minutes after you thought you made her climax. Keep in mind, this lie also goes hand in hand with faking an orgasm.

Yes, I Had An Orgasm
Have I told this lie? Of course. What woman hasn't? But I have to say, most lies leave me feeling guilty, so as I've grown wiser through the years I have started answering my boyfriend with a resounding, "NO." Hey if I didn't orgasm then I didn't orgasm, it's definitely not for a lack of trying on his part. But I will say that 9 out of 10 times ain't bad. Just know that if you weren't rockin' your significant other's world on a regular, then he/she wouldn't be with you. So take this one on the chin.

Go, Have Fun With The Guys
Sure, this one seems harmless enough but nonetheless it is a little white lie. Truth is, your girl wants you to go out and have fun with the guys, just not too much fun. Why? Because it's kind of hard for her to continue her delusion of you being miserable without her if she sees you coming home with a smile plastered on your face and she's not the one who put it there. So go out, have fun with the guys, and enjoy it, just let the first thing out of your mouth when you get home be, "I missed you, babe."

I Promise, I Won't Get Mad
Ladies love this one. Guys, don't fall for it. No matter how fervently she promises not to get mad at you. It's a trap. Keep your mouth shut, because the second you spill the beans you can bet your ass, or any other part of your body, that you won't be getting any poon-tang anytime soon. Honestly, I can't tell you why women use this one. I guess it's just so we can get you to fess up to what you did. It gives us more ammunition to use on you later.

Forgive And Forget
Now, most guys think that these two go together. If your girlfriend tells you that she forgives you then that's that, the dark cloud has gone and you will never again have to return to that conversation. But that's not what she is thinking. She's thinking, "He's so cute, but damn he's stupid" And just as sure as she's had that thought, months later, when you're sitting on the couch in front of the TV scratching your nads and watching the game, she's going to come in screaming and hollering and whatever that blowout was that you thought was long forgotten will be dredged up and thrown in your face. LMAO...mark my words.

I'm Not Mad
These are quite possibly the most dangerous three words in the English language. Because if she's saying she's not mad, then it means she's livid. So, why does she keep saying it? She thinks that if she says it enough times it will make it true. But alas, as you and I both know, that's not true. So, I suggest you hide all the things you love and run for cover because it's only a matter of time before her head explodes from all the seething anger coursing through her veins.

I don't Know If I Want To Get Married
She's LYING! Who the hell doesn't know if they want to get married?! If she ever says this what she's really saying is one of two things; either she wants to get married but is in denial about the fact, or she's scarred that if she admits she wants to tether herself to you it will leave you running for the hills. Any woman who doesn't want to get married will say so flat out, without having to pause to think about it. In this case, just stereotype us. IDK means yes.

I Love You Just The Way You Are
This is a huge untruth. Why? Because she wants to change everything about you. Unless you're a flaming meterosexual, then your girlfriend hates your clothes, hates your apartment decor, and thinks you are in desperate need of the kind of makeover only she can give you. Sleep with one eye open guys, or you may wake up in the morning all manscaped.

I Love Your Friends
Every woman knows that if her boyfriend's friends love her then she's home free. And if she really does love your BFFs then good for you, you've found a keeper. But if you see her cringe a bit or her skin crawl at the mere mention of them then you know she's lying. Why would she pretend to love your boys? Well, you just answered your own question. They're your boys! If she doesn't put on this facade then it's going to force you to choose between them and her, and there's a 50/50 chance that she could lose, so...

Well, there you have it. The 10 things your girlfriend is thinking but wouldn't dare say. Unless, she's trying to pick a fight to prompt a break-up, which I have done before. My advice, take this knowledge and put it in the vault. Next time you know she's telling you a white lie just roll with it. You're better left not pulling at some threads. Just be happy your SO loves you enough to spare your feelings sometimes.

Ms. Sassy,
I want to ask my girlfriend how many men she's been with. She's the best sex I've ever had, so it got me to wondering. Should I ask and will I offend her if I do? Do I really want to know?
-Wondering What's Her Lucky Number

Wondering What's Her Lucky Number,
Let me just start by saying that you are not alone! That being said, don't be an idiot! Asking your girlfriend about her sexual past is a great way to open a Pandora's Box. And we all know the story of Pandora, it does not end well. Which is exact fate of your relationship if you pose this question. But if you feel overly compelled to ask, then go right ahead. If your girlfriend is dumb enough to answer, truthfully, then you should dump her immediately because she obviously is not too bright.
I'm sorry, but some things just should not be asked and if they are, then some things should definitely be lied about. Especially when the question is how many people you've had sex with.

Ms. Sassy,
My girlfriend and I are not good. I'm not sure what happened or when, but what I do know is that she is leaving. It's like one minute things were fine and then the next, she's crying about how she's not happy anymore. I can only assume that she meant she wasn't happy with me. I thought we had made up after that. I mean, we had sex, but now only a few weeks later, she has a one way ticket out of town. I don't have any clue what's going on! Of course, I don't want her to go. I love her. I want her to stay. How do I get her to do that?
-Did I Miss Something?

Did I Miss Something,
LMAO. Oh you poor stupid man. Of course you missed something. Are you breathing? Yes? So then you're a man and you're alive, so yeah you missed something! Your girlfriend told you she wasn't happy and I'm sure you didn't do anything with that information. As a matter of fact, I'm so sure that I'm willing to bet 50 gazillion dollars that you didn't do anything. You just looked at her blankly, didn't you?
Newsflash guy, she told you that because something in your relationship is different and it's wreaking havoc on her life. She communicated that to you hoping you would try to fix whatever was wrong, because in her mind the unhappiness is steaming from something you are or aren't doing. And seeing as how she's packing her bags and hitting the road, I can only assume that you didn't take her seriously. I guess the tears didn't drive home the fact of how upset she was. Well, I don't know what to tell you at this point. She has her ticket and so nothing you say or do is going to deter her from going. The only thing you can do now is try to figure out how to get her to come back.
My advice is to get a clue, ya dumb bastard! Whatever is making her so upset, fix it, and do it fast. And while you're doing that make sure you stay on her mind. You should be calling her a few times a week and telling her how sorry you are and how much you miss her. I mean, lay it on thick, but only if you mean it. In a bout 2 weeks time she'll have a return ticket and won't be able to get back to you fast enough. And to avoid this situation in the future, when your girlfriend talks to you you should try actually listening.

Happy New Year, everyone!

During my daily perusing of my fave blogs, I stumbled a cross this little gem, courtesy of Advice Goddess. Check out this essay composed by Dennis Prager, below.

Dennis Prager is often an annoying and irrational blowhard, but he's right about this -- smart women put out for their husbands and boyfriends. (And vice-versa -- but men and women are different, and he illustrates one difference here, in how not putting out is viewed by a man.) An excerpt from his essay, "When A Woman Isn't In The Mood, Part I":

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife's refusal to have sex with him...

Click here to continue reading.

I am a total Twilight Zone junkie, so I wait all year for the New Year's Twilight Zone Marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. Yes, Ms. Sassy is a bit of a nerd. I totally plan on spending the day glued to my TV watching all those black & white classics. Then, I'll drag my butt off the couch and get ready to go out on the town with my sis, my beau, and my sisters beau. We will be hitting up an LA house party and drinking heavily.

You sassy guys and sassy girls have a fun night. Be safe and remember not to drink and drive. That's not good advice, that's just good sense. If I'm not too hung over or sore from all the sex I plan on having to end the night, then I'll post tomorrow. But don't count on it.

Hello to all you sassy minxes.
I know you can't get enough of my tell it like it is approach to dolling out advice. Too read more of my sharp witty responses to other peoples questions, check me out on Ask E. Jean.

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