Hey guys and dolls.
I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been. Well, I've been a busy little bee. I'm currently working on giving the site a much needed makeover, which should be ready for the big reveal mid-March. But don't worry, you can still catch me in all my sassy glory on Examiner.com

Kiss Kiss

I was surfing the net for fodder and stumbled across this jewel of an article. I just had to share it. Courtesy of DivineCaroline.com, check out what these kids have to say about love and marriage. Is it better to be single or married? I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child) How do you decide whom to marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kristen, age 10 CLICK HERE to read the rest of this article.

Ms. Sassy,
I've been married to my husband for more years than you've probably been alive. We always fight over money. He thinks thinks that because he makes all the money, he should be the only one to say how it's spent. But I used to work, too. And I raised our three kids while doing so. Now, he totally controls all the money. If I need or want money for anything I have to go to him to get it. I don't even have an ATM card to access the money. I think it is a total insult. How do I get him to treat me like his equal? -No Money

No Money,
WTH?! You need to tell your husband that carrying his three children to term, bearing them, and raising them is worth money then he'll ever be able to make! I don't have any kids, and I'm not in any hurry, for the very fact that it's a hard job with no time off or holidays and it's for the rest of your life. If you want to continue to put up with this bs then that's your decision. But I would never in a billion years let some guy keep me away from the money he's able to make because I'm at home cooking cleaning child-rearing and essentially keeping his family life happy so his professional life can stay in order.
Tell that jack ass to kiss it and leave. And make sure you take your half with you when you go. Or you know, you could be more practical and just start charging him for all the stuff you do. I bet he'll value you then. Next time you make him dinner, charge $7-$12, depending on what you made. Charge him for sex, charge him for cleaning, for doing his laundry, raising the kids, taking care of the dog, anything you do that benefits him.

Whatever! Screw you Greg Behrendt, ya jerk. "He's Just Not That Into You"...I swear, that idiotic phrase is doing more harm than good. If love, people, or even our emotions were that black and white then maybe him/her "not being into you" would make sense, but that isn't the case. Life is not neat and tidy, nor is it clean cut or black and white.

On the other hand, that movie looks good, and I have every intention on going to see it. But why do we need some guy to decode men for us? Honestly, guys you're not that complicated. If a guy treats you like boo boo, then he's just not that into you. And if he doesn't then he's probably very much into you. There, mystery solved. I'll be waiting by the phone for my offer to sign a multi-million dollar book deal.

I was on my way to dinner with a friend a few weeks ago and drove past the Vivid building, in Studio City, and it got me to thinking. What is it about porn, that keeps us watching? Personally, I watch for tips and tricks, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Trust me, everyone can learn something from watching porn. Don't Forget to Breathe
This is imperative if you don't want fellatio to lead to you dying from asphyxiation. Watch a butt load of pornos that pan in tight during the oral sex scenes, take notes and recreate what you see. And since I take moaning as a sign of pleasure, I can only assume that the hours of defiling my vision with sights of Jenna J. performing oral sex has paid off.

Cue The Sound
Some accurately placed "Ooos" and "Aahhs" is all it takes to get a guys motor running, sometimes. Loud sex is so much hotter than "doing it" to the background noise of crickets or dogs barking down the street. If my guy is sending me on a mind blowing, toe curling rocket trip to the moon, then I want to let the whole world know it, especially him. Like the girls in the adult industry, good sex just can't be good sex without, "Oh my God...Yeah...Right there...Do me just like that..." You get the gist.

Look How They Bend
This is by far the most appealing reason behind sitting through 30 minutes of bad acting. You weather the crap to see the good stuff...the positions! I was actually watching a movie the other day and saw some interesting kind of lotus position I want to try. I even saw a movie where a girl did a hand-stand as her grand finale. While I haven't had that kind of flexibility since I quit gymnastics, all the bendy posses make you feel randy. Let them inspire you to try new things in the sack.

Girls Are Hot
I think sex with a man is the most wonderful mind blowing experience there is. But watching porn has definitely opened my mind to the appeal of girl on girl action. I know, I know, entertaining such thoughts are strictly against my religious upbringing. But girls are sexy, damn it. And the thought of kissing a pair of soft perfectly glossed lips makes things happen in my pants.

Always Be Prepared
Yes, watching porn has taught me the importance of sexy underwear. Always be prepared for sex. That includes everything from landscaping, to baby smooth skin, and having a sexy little something on underneath your clothes. You never know when you may need to pause in the middle of your day to make sweet sweet love to a random stranger.

Ms. Sassy,
I just started dating my boyfriend a several months ago. We really like each other but the relationship is still fairly new. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant. I haven't told anyone yet and I don't have my doctors appointment until next week to confirm what the 2 home tests have already told me. Don't worry, I'm not some stupid kid. I'm 30 and have a great very secure job with great benefits, etc. My boyfriend is the same. I'm just not sure how I should handle telling him and the rest of my bible beating family that I'm pregnant with my new boyfriend's bastard. -Mommy to Be

Mommy to Be,
Let me start by saying congratulations. It sounds like you definitely plan on having the baby, which is fine. Just don't let your bun in the oven rush the relationship between you and your guy. Of course, break the news to him and let him know that he can be as involved as he wants to be and that you do not expect a ring just because you're having his baby. Pressuring him to marry you just because you're preggers is the worst thing you can do. Keep dating, if it's working and if it's not then start seeing other people. But DO NOT let yourselves turn into those parents who use their children as pawns to stick it to the other parent.
As for your family, well you're a grown woman. It's not like you need them to help you take care of the baby. So, tell them the news and voice that you're very excited so if they have any negative things to say then they can keep those thoughts to themselves. And go on about your business.

Ms. Sassy,
Why do men disappear? How can you go from being head over heels in love with someone to just waking up one day and being over them? What kind of cowards are some men anyway?
-Sick of Men

Dear Sick of Men,
Wow. Hate men much? It sounds like you have loved lost and had your heart drop kicked. I totally understand why you're bitter. And trust me, you are bitter. But women disappear too. I don't think you can call some men cowards without calling some women cowards too.
However, to answer your question, people don't go to bed in love one day and wake up out of love the next. It just isn't possible. People grow. Sometimes they grow together but most times they grow apart, look at divorce statistics. Now, how long your SO takes to voice his/her change in affection towards you is another story altogether. THAT is the real problem. Maybe they keep quite out of concern for your feelings, maybe it's out of cowardice. Either way, that is why you are convinced that people's emotions change out of nowhere.

Ms. Sassy,
I think my ex was the one. My ex and I just recently broke up, and I am absolutely miserable without him. We are still keeping in touch, the whole making excuses to contact each other thing. Well, I think he may have been the one and I want him back. So, what do I do?
-Hopelessly In love

Hopelessly In Love,
Are you sure that he's the one? It could be that you're going through the "remorse phase" of breaking up. If the two of you broke up it had to be for a reason. Take a minute and reflect, if the reason was significant, then I could not in good conscience advise a reconciliation. However, if you two broke up over something petty and stupid then by all means girl, go get your man back! Shoooot, you can't be throwin' good men away all willy nilly.
Since you two are finding excuses to contact each other, then he is obviously still in love with you too. Call him and ask him if he wants to catch up over a beer. Suggest you guys go to your fave spot, someplace with sentimental value. Have a few drinks, loosen up, maybe even get flirty-touchy. If he's not running for the door, then all systems are go. Set your drink down, look him square in the eye and lay your cards on the table. Tell your ex-boyfriend that you miss him and you feel that breaking up was a big mistake and ask him how he feels about the two of you getting back together. At the very least you guys can start dating again. Take things slow and see how it goes, ease back into things. But definitely indulge in makeup sex in the cleanest bathroom stale in the bar, immediately afterward ;)

Ms. Sassy,
I have a roommate now and he literally is from the jungle. He's Filipino, and I'm discovering that there are TONS of things I have to make rules about that I never imagined I would have to do. He throws his toilet paper in the TRASH, he doesn't lock the door all the time when he comes home, he leaves faucets dripping, he doesn't turn off the lights when he's done with them, and he leaves clean dishes in the sink. I'm scared he might forget to turn off the stove since he's showing major signs of being a forgetful person.
I don't want to come off as a nagging roommate, but COME ON! I haven't even touched on the little things like the toilet seat being left up or MY Britta water filter not getting refilled NOR refrigerated. How can I tell if my concerns are legit or if I'm just being a nag? How should I approach him about all of my concerns cause I've addressed each one individually, but it seems like he needs reminders. He's a good person and we vibe very well, so I feel conflicted. I wanna keep him but I feel like he's a liability. Should I keep him or just kick his ass out? HELP.
-Conflicted Roomie

Conflicted Roomie,
First off, what's with the jungle reference? You're insinuating that your Filipino roommate is some sort of savage because he's from the jungle. A different culture doesn't mean worse or better it just means different. But your bigoted viewpoint is a whole other issue.
The issue at hand is your living situation. I've traveled all over Asia and I can tell you that your roommates little "habits" are nothing more than cultural differences. Most Asian countries don't have the best plumbing, so you don't flush toilet paper, unless you want to run the risk of clogging up the toilet. Hell, you're lucky if toilet paper is eve an option. In most instances you use a water hose to rinse, air dry, and then pull up your pants, so...This is the same with locking the door. I lived in a city in Korea and the crime rate was less than 3%. The big news of the day was someone stealing a bike. Do you see what I'm getting at?
It's not that you're roommate is forgetful, he just needs time to adjust to a different culture. If you two get along, then I would definitely keep him on as a roommate. I suggest making a list of house rules and then sitting down with him to review each rule. For every rule you have listed, take the time to explain why it's a rule and what could possibly happen if that particular rule isn't followed, i.e. "We both need to remember to always lock the door behind ourselves. You know, otherwise someone could just walk right into our apartment and take, or things or worse."
Once you've had that discussion, give it some time, about a month. If you're still having problems then let him know that his inability to adhere to the house rules is becoming a serious problem and that things need to change or else you're going to have to find a new roommate.

Ms. Sassy,
My exes and I are "friendly," and no that's not code for I still fool around with them. I mean that I've never had a messy break up so my exes and I are still in touch, we check up on each other, etc. I will admit that at some point any one of them wants to reconcile, but I usually resist the urge. Well, I'm currently in a relationship and one of my exes, who I stay in touch with via Myspace, sends me love letters. I haven't actually spoken to this guy in years and I'm not interested in him romantically at all. Should I tell my current boyfriend about my exes wooing, or keep it to myself? I just feel like I'm hiding something from him by keeping my mouth shut.
-Spilling The Beans

Spilling The Beans,
It must be awesome to be you, every man who's ever come into contact with you falls hopelessly in love and can't forget about you? Wow, must be nice.
Concerning your problem? Girl, keep your mouth shut! Telling your current boyfriend that your old ex-boyfriend is "whispering sweet nothing in your Myspace ear" isn't going to do anything other than rock the boat. You're just bragging to him that your ex still loves you and he better watch out or your ex-boyfriend just might win you back. Tell your ex he needs to step off and respect your current relationship otherwise you two can no longer be Myspace friends.