Elizabitch Hasselbeck is preggars, again. Apparently this is child number three for the least liked The View co-host. When the hell did she have baby number two? I totally missed that somehow. Or maybe the seething anger that overcomes me when her ignorant mouth starts spewing BS made me totally oblivious to her Buddha belly the second time around.
Well, congrats Elizabeth. I hope you have a happy healthy baby. Try not to expose it to too much of your stupidity. Watch her make the big announcement below.

Poor Jennifer Aniston...another failed relationship. Everyone's former favorite friend has officially called it quits with her boy toy, John Mayer. The "I don't know what genre of music he plays exactly" crooner will probably take to his blog once he starts crying. What's the reason for Jenn and John's breakup? Pick something. It could have been his bad jokes that drove her away, or his inability to stop having diarrhea of the mouth and blabbing to the paps about his love life. Maybe John got tired of the smell of desperation emanating off of Jenn, or maybe it was her incessant dissing of Angelina Jolie. Who knows! Th point is, they're done. Which means that John Mayer is back on the market!

I'll take you John Mayer, you and your sultry voice and smokin' hot guitar playin' hands. I love bad jokes, just ask my ex-boyfriend...

The Fugster Fergster and her pretty boy fiance, Josh Duhamel, finally tied the knot in Malibu on Saturday. According to The Queen of All Media, Perez Hilton, the two had many a celebrity in tow, including the newest celeb parents Rebecca Romaijn and her husband, Jerry O' what his name, Mario Lopez, and Kate Hudson, to name a few.

While I have loved Josh Duhamel since his days as Leo on All My Children, I can't say I feel the same way about Fergie. She looks a hot mess half the time and she sooo has "meth face." Don't get me wrong, I'm all for girlfriend pulling herself up by her bootstraps, but damn girl. You can't afford to get corrective cosmetic procedures done so it doesn't look like your pot marked face is melting off?! I say this marriage will last until Josh's receding hairline becomes too prominent. I predict their inevitable break will go something like this.

Damn it Josh, why can't you just get plugs or use the Rogain I buy you?!

Because Stacey, no amount of Rogain is going to save this!

I married you because you were so hot that you made me look hot. If you don't do something about your hair you're just going to look average. And then how will I convince everyone that I'm not a no talent having hag? The only thing I had going for me were YOUR looks! And now those are gone. *stumbles to car*

Baby wait. Where are you going?

To get a fix baldy. This marriage is over.

He'll hit the road and she'll go on a bender and we'll never here from them again until they recapture their 15 minutes by doing season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.

For more deets on their nuptials, click here.

Am I the only one who isn't understanding the appeal of scrawny pale dudes? Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good vampire movie. As a matter of fact, you might even say that I have a vampire fetish. Dracula has always been an interesting character to me. The thought of a super powerful mysterious man being so drawn to you that he makes you his forever by gifting you with eternal life, beauty and youth? Seriously, what's not hot about that? It's like marriage but without all the cons of growing old, becoming bitter, and dying.

Ugh, but the the idea of being tethered to Robert Pattinson sends shivers up my spine in the bad way. First of all, dude, stop sucking your cheeks in. No guy has cheek bones that prominent. Secondly, what do you have against going outside? And lastly, what's the deal with you hair? I mean, remember the days of yore when Buffy and Angel where the it TV vampire/mortal couple? He was all broad, chiseled, and manly. Can we get some vampires like that again?

Robert Pattinson, no women worth her weight in gold is going to want to do you if you look like a malnutritioned gay porn model. Eat some food, maybe go out during the day and get some sun, and stop sucking in the sides of your face! Follow those three rules and it will make it way easier to transition into a heavy hitter heart throb. Unless, you know, you're cool with the gay porn thing.

I don't care how hard Brody Jenner tries to make Bromance sound straight. It's totally GAY! Dude, it's okay that you like other dudes, just come out of the closet. I mean if I had been rejected by Lauren Conrad, or as I like to lovingly call her, LoCo from The Hills, I'd turn totally gay, too. I've seen the commercials. A hot tub full of guys drinking out of red cups? You're not fooling anybody. You just got yourself all the ingredients for a Brorgy.

Click here to check out Bromance, premiering tonight on MTV and check out a sneak peek, below.

Good, Lawd (an over exaggerated version of Lord) Jennifer Lopez can't keep a husband to save her life! It seems that the divine Mrs. Lopez and her overbearing hubby, Marc Anthony are headed to splitsville. Click here to check out the deets of their rocky marriage.

Now, it may seem like I derive great pleasure from the disintegration of peoples lives but that is only half true. I only sometimes enjoy the disintegration of peoples lives. Mostly when they're over-hyped celebrities who are in no way a triple threat. They're barely even a single threat.

What I don't understand is why those two got married in the first place. Let's take a minute to look at the situation rationally, shall we. Why would you marry someone who has more than two divorces under their belt before they make it to you. That doesn't really speak highly of their sense of commitment now does it? NO!

What do I advise J-lo and Marc to do? Get unmarried and then stay that way! Between them they've already had four marriages and I haven't even had one. And I'm a way better hell of a catch than J-lo. Sure, my butt is on a much smaller scale of ba-donk-a-donk-iousness, but I still have it going on and I don't even need to employ an entourage.

Everyone's favorite Gossip Girl, or at least mine, is engaged. According to the gossip rags, Leighton Meester has just become engaged to her beau of a year, Sebastian Stan. She and her fiance announced the engagement via secret facebook messages.

At the ripe old age of 22, it seems Leighton has found the one person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I say the marriage goes up in flames in three years. I love a good romance but 22 is way too young to be engaged. I remember the guy I was head over heels in love with when I was 22, and 21, and 18...my point being, there have been a lot of guys who I thought were great but who turned out to be total butt holes who I'm glad I'm not tethered to.

My advice to Leighton is to give it some time. If you insist on being engaged then fine but make it a long engagement, because it doesn't take too long before the things that you think are so great about him start to grate on your nerves. That sense of humor is fine at first but when you realize he's so busy making jokes that he never takes anything serious you'll want to pull your hair out.
But all the same, CONGRATS!

Happy Monday! I hope you all had a fantabulously sassy weekend. I have to say that mine was pretty good. I got plenty of shut eye and saw some great comedians at the HaHa Cafe in NoHo with my BF. It was good times all around. The weekend left me feeling relaxed and ready to dispense my two cents. I hope it left you all ready to read it. Of course, I have to start things off with Tara Reid's trip to rehab! Come on, tell me you couldn't stop laughing your butt off when you heard about this. I know I couldn't. The "tied with Shannon Elizabeth for skankiest American Pie franchise" starlet checked herself into rehab Sunday morning. OK, so it's Monday and maybe for the first time in a long time Tara Reid isn't drunk. Yay, rehab is working already. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing funny about alcoholism, unless the alcoholic is a super funny fun drunk, otherwise it's just tragic, but I totally smell a staged story. Tara can't possibly have any money left. The last thing she did was that clothing line, and I'm pretty sure she spent her profits from that to end up with botched plastic surgery. I guess all that's left to say is good luck and enjoy the ensuing media storm that will follow your release and impending public scrutiny about whether or not you're staying sober, which will eventually lead to you relapsing.

Yeah, that’s right…I said it. How else do you explain these off the wall names they keep coming up with for their kids? If you don’t want your little bundle of joy to be a stripper or the punching bag for every kid on the playground then don’t give them crazy names like Rumor or Coco. Yes, I know Coco Chanel is an icon but that’s about the only person in the world whom that name worked for. If your child is not going to follow in the footsteps of the clothes maven then there’s really no other option besides stripper, Courtney Cox Arquette. Seriously, I know we all secretly want be these people but do not saddle your children with names like Puma or Miller Lyte, Matthew McConaughy’s little brother. Life is not a Disney movie, Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson-Wentz, so don't name your kid Mowgli. Although Ariel is OK.

So let's recap, shall we? Unique names are fine. Names that subject your child to a life time of torture, inevitably leading to a low self esteem, culminating in self deprecating behavior? Not OK!

*As a side not, you should also avoid naming your child Britney or Jamie Lynn.