Archive for December, 2008

It's finally here. New Year's Eve is upon us! If you're anything like me then you plan to party hard and drink even harder. You've got on your most fabulous "look at me everyone" party dress and a fierce pair of heels to match. You're holding your clutch in one hand and in your other hand you have a chocolate martini and you're guy is all decked out in his bestest suit. You look like a million bucks and your all set to lay one on your guy at the stroke of midnight. But hold on, the kiss to ring in the New Year is the the most important one. Make sure you lay one on your boyfriend that he's sure to remember with the 5 tips that are sure to make him want to hold onto you for the year to come.

Minty Fresh Breathe: I do not condone chewing gum at a place like a party. You're walking around looking like a cow, not to mention the taste won't mesh well with your alcoholic beverage of choice. But the only thing worse then conjuring images in your BFs head of cud chewing animals is laying a wet one on him with stinky stale breathe. Make sure you have an Altoid to pop in your mouth a few minutes before the countdown and then don't take another sip of your drink until after you've kissed him. I know, I know they're curiously strong. I pop the broken pieces. It'll alot for just the right amount of fresh breatheness.

Soft Supple Lips: Yes, that's right. No one wants to cut their mouth on your dry cracked lips. That's just shady. Before you head out for the night take a minute to exfoliate your lips. Simply take your wet toothbrush and run it over you lips for about 60 seconds. Afterward slather on the Vaseline or Chapstick, so your lips have some time to soak up the moisture. Before you apply your lipstick use a wet cloth to wipe your lips clean. They should smooth as a baby bottoms and kissably soft.

Angelina Jolie Pout: So, you're not naturally blessed with full luscious lips? That is not a problem. Pop over to Sephora today and pick up a lip plumping gloss in a complimentary shade. Personally I opt for a shade of red. Nothing says, "Come here to me," like a pair of ruby red stained lips. Try DuWop Lip Venom 2nd Sin. It goes on clear, which means you can slather it on top of whatever lip color your using and you'll have a sinfully irresistible pout. Don't forget to freshen your lipstick a few minutes before the countdown.

Keep The Lovin' At Home: Wherever you are when you do your countdown make sure that you and your honey are no further than arms length away from each other 30 seconds before the countdown. The last thing you want is to be stuck on the other side of the room when the clock strikes 12, forcing you to kiss that loser who's been loitering in the corner eying your cleavage all night. So, if you are wandering over to the bar to make sure you have a drink in hand to toast your New Year's kiss do it, so you'll have plenty of time to wait at the bar to actually be served and time to make your way through the drunken masses back to your guy.

Make It Memorable: You want to make this a kiss to remember. You want to make his toes curl and possibly evoke a chubby. What does it take to make that happen? Just as the clock is doing it's final ticking down grab his full attention. Lock eyes and hold his stare, give him that smile that makes him want to give you the world and while everyone else is finally yelling "Happy New Year," you lean in very close to him, place your hand on his chest and whisper those same words ever so gently into his ear. Then, as you pull away, brush your lips against his cheek, meet his eyes one more time and go in for the kill. Give him a soft sensual kiss, the kind that makes the whole world disappear and reminds him exactly why he loves you. No, not because you're a good kisser but because the kiss encompasses all you are; sexy, soft, gentle, passionate, surprising, disarming, and totally irresistible.

Happy New Year!

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Hey, all!

So it's about that time. The countdown to the New Year has begun. What better way to ring in the New Year than by showing your guy your not a lazy, albeit good, lay. Put forth some effort in the sack with this naughty position. And here's to wishing you a very sassy and sex filled New Year!

Try Threading the Needle. You and your guy will have to reverse roles for this one, which is kind of the point. He gets to lie back and take it. I'm not going to lie, this position is hard as hell to describe getting into but it's actually really easy and boasts a good time. Essentially, he lies on his back with his knees pulled into his chest and parts his legs just enough to fit you between them. Then, he relaxes while you do all the "strokin." The best part about this position is that you'll look nice and lean putting this move on him. So, after you and your man get home from your long night of ringing in the New Year, hit the hay and start Threading the Needle, click the link to check out the pics!

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I am a total Twilight Zone junkie, so I wait all year for the New Year's Twilight Zone Marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. Yes, Ms. Sassy is a bit of a nerd. I totally plan on spending the day glued to my TV watching all those black & white classics. Then, I'll drag my butt off the couch and get ready to go out on the town with my sis, my beau, and my sisters beau. We will be hitting up an LA house party and drinking heavily.

You sassy guys and sassy girls have a fun night. Be safe and remember not to drink and drive. That's not good advice, that's just good sense. If I'm not too hung over or sore from all the sex I plan on having to end the night, then I'll post tomorrow. But don't count on it.

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Hello to all you sassy minxes.
I know you can't get enough of my tell it like it is approach to dolling out advice. Too read more of my sharp witty responses to other peoples questions, check me out on Ask E. Jean.

I was unfaithful to my boyfriend...

Oprah has been duped...

I just broke up with a guy...

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Sarah Palin's offspring has officially made her a grandma. That's right "Sexy Sara's" daughter, Bristol Palin has given birth to a bouncing baby boy. Keeping in cue with her hick heritage Bristol and her fiance, Levi Johnston, have named the baby boy Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Geez, that's a mouthful.

Babies having babies is always a bad thing, but I'm sure Bristol's genius mother has things all figured out. Hey Sarah, here a plan you should try. Let your great state educate teens on safe sex practices so all us "Joe Plumbers" don't have to take care of your kids' bastards.

Congrats to the new mommy and her hubby to be. I hope they take their time moving forward with their impending numtuals, since you all know how I feel about Shotgun Weddings.

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Dear Ms. Sassy,
I started dating this woman three months ago. We found each other on eHarmony in September and have been steadily seeing each other ever since. She's not seeing other people and neither am I but I don't consider her my girlfriend, and I didn't think she considered me her boyfriend. I mean, it was never discussed, so...
Anyway, before she left town to be with her family, for Christmas, she caught me by surprise when she got a me a series of small Christmas gifts. She knows how much I love to golf so she got me a set of balls and tees from the TV network she works for. She also got me some other great stuff from Brookstone. Well, I didn't get her anything. She didn't seem upset but what do I do? I want to keep dating her. Do I get her a belated present?
-Another Clueless Man

Another Clueless Male,
You have committed the largest of sins when it comes to dating. It is a cardinal rule that you buy the woman you are dating, steadily, a present when any present gifting day comes around, regardless of the length of time that you have been seeing her. Of course the degree of the gift coincides with the length of time you've been "together."
A three month long monogamous relationship is most certainly grounds for a Christmas present. You messed up big time buddy. your girl may not have shown her feelings about the situation but I assure you she was upset. This means that you now need to go out and get her a better gift than the one you would have gotten would you have gotten her a gift in the first place. I suggest a nice bottle of perfume, something like Chanel Chance. She'll love it and you won't have to spend the last remaining days of the year in the doghouse.

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I don't care how hard Brody Jenner tries to make Bromance sound straight. It's totally GAY! Dude, it's okay that you like other dudes, just come out of the closet. I mean if I had been rejected by Lauren Conrad, or as I like to lovingly call her, LoCo from The Hills, I'd turn totally gay, too. I've seen the commercials. A hot tub full of guys drinking out of red cups? You're not fooling anybody. You just got yourself all the ingredients for a Brorgy.

Click here to check out Bromance, premiering tonight on MTV and check out a sneak peek, below.

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Christmas is only three days away, and if you're anything like me you haven't done one bit of holiday shopping. In the spirit of giving I'm taking the time to throw you a lifeline. The 5 gifts, pictured above, are perfect for the man, or if you're lucky men, in your life. They'd be overjoyed to find any of these 5 gifts under the tree.

Flip Video is the latest in teeny tiny technology. A fully functioning camcorder the size of your cell phone offers the aesthetic appeal of an ipod. It's thin, it's cool, it comes in different GB sizes, can be skinned in an assortment of colors or design patters, and fits in your pocket. If your guy hasn't said he loves you, be ready to hear him shout it when he pulls back the gift wrap and sees one of these looking back at him.

For a mere $19 and some change you can tell him how much he means to you through song. The Mix Tape USB Stick will remind your guy of the good ol' days when large cassette players where cool and you would play your favorite jams for your favorite guy or girl. Upload the songs that flood your mind with thoughts of him and then share those tunes with him. The coolest is part is that there are 6 different cassette looks to choose from.

Cocktail Set Chemistry is the perfect gift for your wanabe bartender boyfriend. The ultimate must have for any mixologist, this set runs for under $40, which means you can afford to pick up a couple bottles of liquor to pair it with. When he opens this gift he'll be ready to mix you up yummy drinks all day, which will make spending the day with his crazy family far less painful.

What guy doesn't like to unwind with a game of golf. I mean my BF hates golf, but that's just because he sucks at it. But your guy probably loves it! So let him parade around with his heart on his sleeve, or his wrist, with these Golf Ball & Tee Cufflinks. Everyone will know that his heart belongs to his favorite sport, but he'll be more likely to share his heart with you too once he gets this gift.

Is your guy so obsessed with how he looks that sometimes you wonder if he's gay? Then these Armani Exchange Sunglasses are the perfect gift for him. He gets the top of the line brand and you don't have to break the bank. These glasses run for $65 and are easy to get you hands on. Pop into Macy's to pick up a pair to make sure he has a Merry Christmas, and we'll all just pretend that his high pitched squeal when he opens his gift isn't a red flag about his sexual orientation.

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The Christmas countdown is well underway. You've got three days left to find the woman in your life the perfect gift. If that thought makes you feel so overwhelmed that it brings you to tears, then this list is for you. These 5 gifts are sure to please any woman, which in turn will leave her more than willing to please you later...Tis the season for giving.

Flip Video is the latest in teeny tiny technology. A fully functioning camcorder the size of your cell phone offers the aesthetic appeal of an ipod. It's thin, it's cool, it comes in different GB sizes, can be skinned in an assortment of colors or design patters, and fits in your pocket. If your girl hasn't said she loves you, be ready to hear her shout it when she pulls back the gift wrap and sees one of these looking back at her.

I bet you didn't even know you could buy anything from Tiffany's for $100. Well, you can. This Paloma's Crown of Heart Pendant in sterling silver is the perfect way to let her know how you feel about her. The design of the pendant is simple enough to be worn everyday. And nothing is classier than sterling silver. As you put the necklace on her say, "A simply classy necklace for my simply classy girl." She will be touched.

What woman doesn't like to smell good? With the Harajuku Lovers Fragrance Solid Coffret, she'll have plenty of scents to choose from. Five to be exact. Each fragrance offers something different, allowing her to show off every side of her personality. This gift is perfect if your girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. Now you can smell which version of her is coming, so you know before hand whether you want to stick around or run and hide that day. So, it's really a little bit of a present for you too.

Waxler is the name of this fantabulously fierce pair of pumps from Aldo, and they're on sale for only $34 and change. Pick 'em up at the store or grab them online. Either way, you're GF will be totally floored that you had the good sense to buy her such a wonderful pair of shoes. And as long as you don't try to try them on, then your masculinity will not come into question.

Christmas is the perfect time to get down on one knee and pop the question. Present her with this Jean Dousset 3.53ct Absolute™ Canary Pear-Cut Pavé Ring and she is sure to say yes. From the HSN Absolute collection, this ring is made with man made diamonds, from a lab, rather than natural diamonds. They have the same hardness and clarity as the gems you're pay several thousand dollars for, but you will only drop about $90 on this ring. If you don't tell her, then there's no way she will ever know. And I personally would rather have my BF buy me a lab made diamond and save the big bucks to put toward our wedding or honeymoon.

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Ms. Sassy,
I have always been a girl with a purpose. I always have a plan and stick to to get what I want out of life. But lately, I feel as if I'm floundering. My relationship with my boyfriend is totally up in the air. We're at the point where we're either need to move forward and get engaged or just break-up, and I'm sicking of renting. I want to own a house. I feel like I need a change, but I'm not sure what those changes need to be. I have decided to start my own business but I have no financial security. Right now I feel so overwhelmed that it's keeping me from making any definite decisions about my future. -Standing Still

Standing Still,
Well, it sounds like you're ready to put down some roots and have a family, my dear. And there's nothing wrong with admitting that. There is definitely a certain appeal to having someone in your life who you can depend on till death do you part and then populating the earth with mini versions of yourselves. If that is what you really want then, there ya go. You have your next direction/path to follow.
You need to sit your boyfriend down and express to him what you want, to marry him and have a family, to make a life together for yourselves. Let him know that you're ready to take the next step and make a plan for the two of you. Figure out when you want to be engaged by, how you want to go about saving for a house, will you move in together before you tie the knot to save money, etc. However, if he's not on the same page then cut him lose and chalk it up to life experience. Then, go join eHarmony and find yourself someone who wants the same things out of life that you do.

Best of Luck on your new life path!

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