Hey guys and dolls.
I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been. Well, I've been a busy little bee. I'm currently working on giving the site a much needed makeover. But don't worry, you can still catch me in all my sassy glory on Examiner.com

Kiss Kiss

Hey there kiddies.
Sorry about the delayed post, my internet has been acting weird since yesterday. Anywho, I just wanted to tell you all thanks for all the great story submissions for the giveaway. They definitely had me rolling on the floor with laughter and a couple actually made me blush. I want to say CONGRATULATIONS to Velva!

Velva, your story was so great. I could actually picture the whole mishap and it had me rolling with laughter. I hope you and your SO put all the goodies to good use. What all is Thelma being gifted with? Well, this sexy goody basket includes:
Betty Beauty (pubic hair dye) in various colors
Vaginal Tightening Cream
Sex Book
Durex Condoms assortment pack
Durex Lubricant assortment pack
Betty Beauty panties
Betty Beauty reusable tote
Lipstick Vibrator

Velva, enjoy the goodies!

It's Friday, which means it's "sexy time." What's on the menu this week? Well, I love sex and I love baths so I thought, "Why not mix the two?" This week is more about sassy sexy time than it is about a sassy sexual position. Why not unwind after a long week of dealing with incompetent co-workers by treating yourself to hot relaxing bubble bath? Spend at least one day this weekend getting it on in the tub.

Set the mood. Light a few almond scented candles, to help boost your boyfriend/husband's sex drive. Draw yourself a nice warm bath, turn on some sexy tunes, grab your guy, hit the lights, and the two of you sink into the tub for a nice long steep. The best thing about sex in the tub is that you can get as down and dirty as you want and still stay clean.

Have fun!

I was surfing the net for fodder and stumbled across this jewel of an article. I just had to share it. Courtesy of DivineCaroline.com, check out what these kids have to say about love and marriage.

Is it better to be single or married?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
-Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

How do you decide whom to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
-Kristen, age 10

CLICK HERE to read the rest of this article.

Ms. Sassy,
I've been married to my husband for more years than you've probably been alive. We always fight over money. He thinks thinks that because he makes all the money, he should be the only one to say how it's spent. But I used to work, too. And I raised our three kids while doing so. Now, he totally controls all the money. If I need or want money for anything I have to go to him to get it. I don't even have an ATM card to access the money. I think it is a total insult. How do I get him to treat me like his equal? -No Money

No Money,
WTH?! You need to tell your husband that carrying his three children to term, bearing them, and raising them is worth money then he'll ever be able to make! I don't have any kids, and I'm not in any hurry, for the very fact that it's a hard job with no time off or holidays and it's for the rest of your life. If you want to continue to put up with this bs then that's your decision. But I would never in a billion years let some guy keep me away from the money he's able to make because I'm at home cooking cleaning child-rearing and essentially keeping his family life happy so his professional life can stay in order.
Tell that jack ass to kiss it and leave. And make sure you take your half with you when you go. Or you know, you could be more practical and just start charging him for all the stuff you do. I bet he'll value you then. Next time you make him dinner, charge $7-$12, depending on what you made. Charge him for sex, charge him for cleaning, for doing his laundry, raising the kids, taking care of the dog, anything you do that benefits him.

Whatever! Screw you Greg Behrendt, ya jerk. "He's Just Not That Into You"...I swear, that idiotic phrase is doing more harm than good. If love, people, or even our emotions were that black and white then maybe him/her "not being into you" would make sense, but that isn't the case. Life is not neat and tidy, nor is it clean cut or black and white.

On the other hand, that movie looks good, and I have every intention on going to see it. But why do we need some guy to decode men for us? Honestly, guys you're not that complicated. If a guy treats you like boo boo, then he's just not that into you. And if he doesn't then he's probably very much into you. There, mystery solved. I'll be waiting by the phone for my offer to sign a multi-million dollar book deal.

Hey ladies and gents!

Thanx for all the awesome porn story submissions. LMAO. I can't even post the story from last weeks winner, because I'm pretty sure they stole it off a free sex story website. Personally, I like the funny sex stories best but I didn't get any of those lost week. Oh well, ya saucy minxes.

This week let's keep it simple. The first people to submit a sex question will be getting their EdenFantasys.com coupon. Can't wait to read your questions.

Good Morning, all!
I have to say that it has been a tough week. So tough that I can't even think about sex today. But I did, just for you I thought about sex and found a great position that stays in line with my homage to Texas. Yes, I'm still here. Why not give the Sitting Bull a try this weekend?

The giver sits in on his/her knees with his legs spread open. The receiver lies on his/her back and swings their legs over their partners shoulders. Yeah, I know it sounds confusing but it's not and it's a very comfortable position, so neither one of you will get worn out too quickly. Give it a go and maybe throw some rope in for good measure ;)

Stay Sassy!

Elizabitch Hasselbeck is preggars, again. Apparently this is child number three for the least liked The View co-host. When the hell did she have baby number two? I totally missed that somehow. Or maybe the seething anger that overcomes me when her ignorant mouth starts spewing BS made me totally oblivious to her Buddha belly the second time around.
Well, congrats Elizabeth. I hope you have a happy healthy baby. Try not to expose it to too much of your stupidity. Watch her make the big announcement below.

I was on my way to dinner with a friend a few weeks ago and drove past the Vivid building, in Studio City, and it got me to thinking. What is it about porn, that keeps us watching? Personally, I watch for tips and tricks, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Trust me, everyone can learn something from watching porn. Don't Forget to Breathe
This is imperative if you don't want fellatio to lead to you dying from asphyxiation. Watch a butt load of pornos that pan in tight during the oral sex scenes, take notes and recreate what you see. And since I take moaning as a sign of pleasure, I can only assume that the hours of defiling my vision with sights of Jenna J. performing oral sex has paid off.

Cue The Sound
Some accurately placed "Ooos" and "Aahhs" is all it takes to get a guys motor running, sometimes. Loud sex is so much hotter than "doing it" to the background noise of crickets or dogs barking down the street. If my guy is sending me on a mind blowing, toe curling rocket trip to the moon, then I want to let the whole world know it, especially him. Like the girls in the adult industry, good sex just can't be good sex without, "Oh my God...Yeah...Right there...Do me just like that..." You get the gist.

Look How They Bend
This is by far the most appealing reason behind sitting through 30 minutes of bad acting. You weather the crap to see the good stuff...the positions! I was actually watching a movie the other day and saw some interesting kind of lotus position I want to try. I even saw a movie where a girl did a hand-stand as her grand finale. While I haven't had that kind of flexibility since I quit gymnastics, all the bendy posses make you feel randy. Let them inspire you to try new things in the sack.

Girls Are Hot
I think sex with a man is the most wonderful mind blowing experience there is. But watching porn has definitely opened my mind to the appeal of girl on girl action. I know, I know, entertaining such thoughts are strictly against my religious upbringing. But girls are sexy, damn it. And the thought of kissing a pair of soft perfectly glossed lips makes things happen in my pants.

Always Be Prepared
Yes, watching porn has taught me the importance of sexy underwear. Always be prepared for sex. That includes everything from landscaping, to baby smooth skin, and having a sexy little something on underneath your clothes. You never know when you may need to pause in the middle of your day to make sweet sweet love to a random stranger.